Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Emotional autism: Are you stuck in the 'alone zone'?
As I attempted to adjust the thermostat in my hotel room I noticed that there was a demarcated "comfort zone". I started thinking about my own comfort zone and wondered if, indeed, I may be stuck in it. Most of my social group is single, and I can't help but notice, have been for a really long time! These people are between the ages of 40 and 60 years and still viable mates one would think. Does being single perpetuate more singleness? Are some of us stuck in the 'alone zone' to the exclusion of vibrant, healthy and loving attachment? I believe so.
We have been hearing lots about childhood autism lately. The symptoms of this malady are an abnormal absorption with the self, characterized by a lack of response to others. Limited ability or disinclination to communicate separate and isolate those affected by autism. I propose that there is an epidemic of EMOTIONAL AUTISM affecting much of the single, adult population. The longer one goes without an emotionally intimate connection the more isolated and incapable of adapting one becomes.
A recent dating experience underscores this correlation. I started seeing "Moe" whom I have known for eight years. He is 58, never been married, no kids, and to my knowledge no priors--no prior long term, committed, intimate connections. Exactly! What was I thinking?; I am a slow learner. Things were going swimmingly; we both felt comfortable just hanging out and being together, and there was even chemistry! He is a little pompous, but pompous just happens to be my comfort zone. Suddenly, he started throwing out road blocks to derail any further possibilities. Coincidence? I think not. It is called avoidance behavior. The closer one gets to the reality of a change in belief or life structure the avoidance behaviors manifest; behaviors that will surely keep you in the protective cocoon of your alone zone and insulated from potential emotional pain. While the potential for hurt and rejection exists it is the risk we take in learning to love. Loving commitment is our last, best chance to grow up. I would venture that it is the only way to avoid becoming emotionally autistic.
I like what Candace Bergen said, "I used to believe that marriage would diminish me and reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone, when, of course you have to be more".
I am happy that we are part of a society in which singleness is a recognized option. However, I hope we have not begun to use it as a shield against the vicissitudes of vulnerability, inured from emotional growth. Hopefully, a child with autism has loving parents to help them integrate fully into the world. For adults with emotional autism a decision must be made to get out of the 'alone zone' and develop the ability for adaptability.
I
We have been hearing lots about childhood autism lately. The symptoms of this malady are an abnormal absorption with the self, characterized by a lack of response to others. Limited ability or disinclination to communicate separate and isolate those affected by autism. I propose that there is an epidemic of EMOTIONAL AUTISM affecting much of the single, adult population. The longer one goes without an emotionally intimate connection the more isolated and incapable of adapting one becomes.
A recent dating experience underscores this correlation. I started seeing "Moe" whom I have known for eight years. He is 58, never been married, no kids, and to my knowledge no priors--no prior long term, committed, intimate connections. Exactly! What was I thinking?; I am a slow learner. Things were going swimmingly; we both felt comfortable just hanging out and being together, and there was even chemistry! He is a little pompous, but pompous just happens to be my comfort zone. Suddenly, he started throwing out road blocks to derail any further possibilities. Coincidence? I think not. It is called avoidance behavior. The closer one gets to the reality of a change in belief or life structure the avoidance behaviors manifest; behaviors that will surely keep you in the protective cocoon of your alone zone and insulated from potential emotional pain. While the potential for hurt and rejection exists it is the risk we take in learning to love. Loving commitment is our last, best chance to grow up. I would venture that it is the only way to avoid becoming emotionally autistic.
I like what Candace Bergen said, "I used to believe that marriage would diminish me and reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone, when, of course you have to be more".
I am happy that we are part of a society in which singleness is a recognized option. However, I hope we have not begun to use it as a shield against the vicissitudes of vulnerability, inured from emotional growth. Hopefully, a child with autism has loving parents to help them integrate fully into the world. For adults with emotional autism a decision must be made to get out of the 'alone zone' and develop the ability for adaptability.
I
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)